Don’t know anything about figure skating but still want to enjoy watching young girls’ dreams shatter in real time? Here’s a guide to figure skating using the easiest method of learning. By comparing them to the popstars we know and love.
Kim Yuna – Beyonce
Kim Yuna is literally the Beyonce of figure skating. Why? Because they both win everything. The reigning Olympic champ and arguably the best figure skater ever has broke at least 52353243 records and won twice as many gold medals. Beyonce has won as many Grammys as Yuna has won medals in her career. Both have very dedicated and fucking psychotic fanbases in the Beyhive and the nation of South Korea respectively.
Unlike most of her other competition, Kim Yuna did not compete at the Team Competition because South Korea’s team is basically only her. So we actually don’t know have a good indication of how she’s gonna perform later on. However, I’m going to bet that she’ll destroy the competition just like Beyonce did when she released her album by surprise. All Hail Lord Satan Yuna.
Gracie Gold – Britney Spears
Gracie Gold is exactly like teenage Britney in 1999. Pretty, blonde, and seemingly extremely talented. Gracie is America’s Golden Girl for these Olympics and they are milking her good. She is sponsored by at least 50 Fortune 500 companies during these Olympics, so even if she flops miserably, she still gets mad money.
Much like Britney, in reality, her skills aren’t as good as her competitors. Even though America is propping her up to be the gold medalist (GOLD FOR GOLD I’M DYING ROFL!!) for individuals, she has as much of a chance as I do sitting here eating Cocoa Puffs. The best she can get on a good day is bronze unless everyone else literally dies on the ice. Poor Gracie Bronze-if-she’s-lucky.
Yulia Lipnitskaya – Our favorite senior citizen, Lorde
Yulia LeaderofthePack, the 10 15-year-old wunderkind has found her counterpart in 17-year-old artist Lorde. Both are super young and killing their respective games. The only difference is that one looks thrice her age and the other looks about 7 years old. Yulia Lisuckmadick has performed both her short program and free skate during the team competition and beat all the other girls by over 3000 points because she’s the OG figure skater. Also because she’s super flexible and hasn’t gone through puberty yet.
Yulia Lipschitz also has nerves of steel. Probably because (I’m about 50%) sure she is a robot. Figure skating is like 90% nerves, 10% physical, and she already wins because her nerves were created in an underground laboratory somewhere under a Siberian death camp.
While I’m convinced Lorde is a 42-year-old woman, Yulia Landrover is most likely a cyborg created with Putin’s DNA.
Ashley Wagner – Christina Aguilera of the Present
Ashley Wagner is the vengeful former ice princess who has been given a second chance before she’s tossed away for good. She was controversially put on the team after she sucked ass at Nationals because of her good track record before that terrible performance. This ice queen has found her counterpart in the Christina Aguilera of the present. Recent abysmal album sales don’t faze her because of “The Voice” gig just like Ashley and her recent shit performances. Fuck that noise because Ashley is still on the Olympic team. Is she gonna medal? Hell no, but she’s in Sochi probably fucking every hockey boy there, so be jealous.
Kaetlyn Osmond – Miley Cyrus
While researching Canadian skater Kaetlyn Osmond, I found multiple articles blasting her “risque” short program and calling her the Miley Cyrus of figure skating. After watching the super “risque” performance, I realized the only people who would call this risque would be people who live in cults where the women only wear long skirts and have ramen noodle hair (i.e. the Duggars). The poor old folks in their homes couldn’t discern that skating to a song about a prostitute (“Big Spender”) doesn’t actually make you a prostitute.
So I guess Kaetlyn is Miley now. So sorry aboot that Kaetlyn, eh.
rest @ the source
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